Before heading home, I went on a detour and took some time off for myself (an hour, to be exact). I went to this quiet coffee place and decided to “chill” before starting my usual routine.
I wanted a PAUSE.
We are all entitled to taking time off. But for some of us, the PLAY button may be difficult to catch sight of mostly because PAUSES are so hypnotizing. Oh, the comfort in doing nothing, thinking about nothing, just plain nothingness is addictive. It can be confusing sometimes for people like me who live in such a fast paced world where relationships from one place to another are far from parallel. You press PAUSE so you can relocate yourself. You try to look for the right place meant for the right moment. You feel lost at times but it’s okay because you pressed PAUSE not realizing that this isn’t some movie where you have super powers and that time does not stop when you do. The world…still…turns…-
And then you press PLAY so you can catch up. Just when you thought the world already cut you some slack, it didn’t. It won’t. It never did. It sucks that the little gratification that I get from activities like staring at the ceiling or closing my eyes with my headphones on so I can get lost in a song or walking in the park so I can clear my head or even updating this blog can turn my tomorrow to chaos.
I see this everyday. In law school, particularly. Everybody’s trying to understand. Everybody is trying to catch up. Everybody is walking around acting all chill when what they really want is to just find a place where they can read in silence for 5 straight hours with overflowing coffee and an unlimited access to all the shit of the Supreme Court and all the harsh bar questions of the past (and their corresponding answers that contradict what you’ve memorized..verbatim).
I have been working for as long as I can remember, trying to make ends meet and today I can’t believe I just said “I am too tired for this and I need to rest”. When did I ever rest? When did someone ever consider letting me take a break? Why would I even think of such thing? Ew.
This is not the time to rest. You can call it delayed gratification. You can call it paying your dues. Call it whatever you want, just do it. Set aside all your episodes of “holy shit, i need a man in my life” or “what the hell am I doing in this pit of fire”. Just keep going. Your little PAUSES will make you weak. It is for the weak. We can only PLAY. Don’t even think about the FAST FORWARD. (If you thought of SKIP, go to hell). I’m not mad. Just being brutal…brutally sweet.