March Madness

So something happened with my job yesterday. I am suspended for 2 weeks because I am apparently under review (for routine or whatever). Thus, I have a lot of time. So thank you, job. See you in 2 weeks when I expect you to give me tons of books to write while I prepare for my final exams. PERFECT TIMING!

So I spent an unreasonable amount of time today thinking of why my life is so. And I was able to note down the following:

1. I clamour for deep connections. I don’t want a conversation for conversation’s sake. I steer away from small talk because I don’t want to waste my time talking to people that I won’t learn anything from (or teach anything to). I need to learn to “socialize” for the simple reason that human beings socialize.

2. I’ve been in this job for too long. It’s only been 5 years but it feels like a lifetime if you write at work and you read when you’re not at work. My life is surrounded with words. I fall in love with stories. And I can’t seem to find my way out of this cycle of obsessing about library techniques and how authors can trick us to believing anything…… ugh.

3. I’ve skipped so many important parts. I have jumped over many rivers because no one was there to tell me that those rivers were vital to my upbringing. Hippety-hop Abby.

4. I have felt so betrayed so many times that my trust issues have caused me to impose trust issues upon others. This has become so bad that at times, my friends confide in me and I end up saying “you know what’s wrong with you, you have trust issues”. I guess that’s just the way it is, when you have trust issues, you think everyone around you has trust issues. It’s a terrible, terrible thing, I tell you.

5. I don’t have the right concept of time. It’s supposed to be endless, stable..uninterrupted. For me, time seems to be more of an occasion. Can you imagine how my fucked up mind works?

Simply put, I’m running around and everyone else is running around and if I get the chance to bump into the someone who would rest at the exact time and exact place where I decide to rest, for a moment when we can stop being ourselves and confirming to the conventional demands of our every day struggles, before we continue running around again, then that would be great.


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